27 Things you Wish You Could Say At Work !

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a f***.
3. How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
5. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
10. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable……time to up my medication.
23. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
24. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

Here's one for you....

Batman Arrested

Subject:  Airport Arrest

Airport Security: What's your Name?
Passenger : Batman
Airport Security : Your real name please 

Passenger : My name is Batman
Airport Security : Are you trying to be funny - What is your family name?
Passenger : Superman

Airport Security handcuffs him & puts him into a locked security room -

Then they checked his Passport....... (see photo)

WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend  and I had been dating  for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her very beautiful  younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two years old, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had  to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't  overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, I couldn't believe and couldn't say a  word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and  if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.  I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a  better man for our daughter. Welcome to the  family.'

And the moral of this story is:  "Always keep your condoms in your car"

The Sex life of an Electron

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a cute little coil to help him discharge.

He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride in his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge and stopped by a Magnetic field with flowing currents and frolicked in the sine waves.

Micro-Farad, attracted by Millie-Amp's characteristic curves soon had her fully charged and proceeded to excite her resistance to a minimum. He gently laid her at ground potential, raised her frequency and lowered her reluctance.

With a quick arc, he pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket, connecting them in parallel. He slowly began short circuiting her resistance shunt while quickly raising her thermal conductance level to mil-spec. Fully excited, Milli- Amp mumbled "MHO...MHO...MHO"

With his tube operating well into class C, and her field vibrating with his current flow, a corona formed which instantly caused her shunt to overheat just at the point when Micro-Farad rapidly discharged and drained off every electron into her grid.

They fluxed all night trying various connectors and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength.

Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids and with his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field. Not ready to be quiescent, they spent the rest of the evening reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.

WHEN IT'S TIME TO BREAK UP

WHEN IT'S TIME TO BREAK UP


Sometimes, good things end. That's just the way life is. Sometimes, bad things continue due to neglect or fear. This ISN'T the way life should be!
The problem isn't that there are too many divorces or there are too many marriages!  So many people hook up with partners that are (or become) unhealthy for them, then find that they c an't bring themselves to break it off.  Sometimes out of fear of being alone, sometimes through convincing by their friends or family, sometimes through concern of how they will look, sometimes through simple neglect, etc.
When should a relationship break up?  Simple: when it no longer provides benefit to one or both partners.  In other words, if you aren't getting what you want or need from being with someone, or if you recognize that your partner isn't getting what they want or need it's time to move on.
You may encounter some questions like:
a) Isn't that a little selfish?  What about the person you're dumping?
b) How can it be good for someone to stay with a person that doesn't want to be with him or her?
c) After all, how low does your self-esteem (let alone your self-respect) have to be to want to do this?
It is by far much healthier to go about finding the relationship that works for you that gives you what you need, than to apathetically cling to something that isn't fulfilling.  Life is too short for this, and you deserve better.
So, how do you know when to break off your relationship?  Here are Ten signs to watch for. Note that most people encounter one, two or more of these things periodically. However if you're finding that you experience more than a few consistently over a longer period, it's probably time to move on:
 


10. YOU NO LONGER LOOK FORWARD TO SPENDING TIME ALONE WITH YOUR PARTNER.
You may still have a good sex life (or not!) but actually talking to your partner seems like a chore.  If spending time alone with your partner seems like a prison sentence you may be up for a parole.
9. YOU BEGIN COMPARING YOUR PARTNER TO OTHERS.
This is particularly true when other people seem more appealing to you.  We all find others---often those we don't have---attractive.  If however, you find that you're comparing specific traits, a person's voice, their neatness, they way they carry themselves, etc., against others; especially things your partner can't change, you should re-evaluate your relationship.
8. YOU CRITICIZE "MICRO-MANAGE" YOUR PARTNER.
If you're always concerned that your partner's socks aren't exactly right for his pants, or that she wears too much make-up, or that he or she just can't seem to take their responsibilities seriously, don't look at them, look at yourself.  People that are in love tend to look beyond minor annoyances to the bigger picture.  If you're having trouble doing this you may want to work on your exit plan.
7. YOU START TRYING TO CHANGE YOUR PARTNER.
Many people fall in love with people that excite them, but find that this excitement isn't good for them in the long term.  On the other hand, they may find someone "stable" that doesn't provide enough variety in their relationship.  If you find that you're constantly trying to convert your partner from the person you fell in love with, it may be time to bolt.
6. YOU RE-CONNECT WITH EX LOVERS.
It's one thing to send an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend a birthday card.  It is entirely another to take her/him out for dinner and a movie "just to catch up".  The trick here is to be honest about your motivations.  If you had the chance to sleep with him/her, would you?  Are you looking for approval or an ego-boost from him/her?  Have you forgotten why you broke up in the first place?
5. HIS OR HER JOKES ARE NO LONGER FUNNY.
Of course, you may have heard them 1,000 times, but people in love tend to look beyond this repetitiveness.  They see that their partner is being humorous, not how funny something is or isn't.
4. YOU'RE DOING ALL THE GIVING OR ALL THE GETTING.
Relationships are about mutual benefit.  If one partner is benefiting over the other, the relationship isn't healthy. This doesn't mean that everything should be exactly balanced.  For example, just because one partner spends $50 on a birthday present, that the other should spend exactly that amo unt.  Nor does it mean that both partners should always split a dinner check.  If one person pays all the time, and the other doesn't at least cook a few meals, there is something wrong and unhealthy about the relationship.
3. YOU CONSTANTLY FIND WAYS TO INCLUDE OTHERS IN YOUR ACTIVITIES.
Always including others indicates that you're not looking forward to being alone with your partner.  Of course, you need time with your friends, but if you never have private time, or the only time you're alone is when you're having sex, perhaps the problem is in the company.
2. YOUR FRIENDS NO LONGER LIKE BEING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU'RE WITH YOUR PARTNER.
Your friends don't have to dislike your partner---perhaps they don't like what affect your partner has on YOU!  Consider that your relationship with your friends is at least as important in the long run as your relationship with your partner.  In fact, it may be MORE important as they will see you as you really are, and will be there even if he or she isn't, IF you treat them right!
1. YOU NO LONGER FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.
At first, this seems like a strange warning sign about your relationship, but think about how you felt when you first hooked up with your partner.  You felt great about yourself and your world.  If this is now lacking where it was there before, you may wa nt to look at your relationship.

Love Myths

Ten Relationship Myths

Think your relationship is a failure because you and your partner aren't following certain "rules" or meeting certain standards? Dr. Phil blows the whistle on 10 of the most common but dangerous relationship myths.

MYTH #1: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP DEPENDS ON A GREAT MEETING OF THE MINDS

• You will never see things through your partner's eyes because you are two entirely different people. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different.
• You will not solve your relationship problems by becoming more alike in your thinking. Men and women are wired differently. Attempting to blur your fundamentally different viewpoints is unnatural and even dangerous.
• Recognize that a relationship is far more enjoyable when you're with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate your differences.

MYTH #2: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES A GREAT ROMANCE

• Yes, your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. But don't kid yourself and expect an unrealistic Hollywood fairytale. The truth is that in the real world, being in love is not like falling in love.
• Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It's impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love.
• Don't make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren't in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience.

MYTH #3: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING

• Don't fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can't be happy if you can't resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable.
• There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can't you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs.
• You can simply agree to disagree and reach "emotional closure" even though you haven't reached closure on the issue.

MYTH #4: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES COMMON INTERESTS THAT BOND YOU TOGETHER FOREVER

• There is nothing wrong with your relationship if you don't share common interests and activities.
• If you and your partner are forcing yourselves to engage in common activities but the results are stress, tension and conflict, don't do it!

MYTH #5: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS A PEACEFUL ONE

• Don't be afraid to argue because you think it's a sign of weakness or relationship breakdown. Even the healthiest couples argue.
• If approached properly, arguing can actually help the relationship by (a) releasing tension and (b) instilling the sense of peace and trust that comes from knowing you can release feelings without being abandoned or humiliated.
• Instead of worrying about how many times you argue, worry about how you argue. Here are some guidelines:

• Don't abandon the issue and attack the worth of your partner during an argument.
• Don't seek conflict because it's stimulating.
• Don't pursue a take-no-prisoners approach in your arguments.
• Don't avoid achieving emotional closure at the end of an argument.

MYTH #6: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP LETS YOU VENT ALL YOUR FEELINGS

• Getting things off your chest might feel good, but when you blurt something out in the heat of the moment, you risk damaging your relationship permanently. Many relationships are destroyed when one partner can't forgive something that was said during uncensored venting.
• Before you say something you might regret, bite your tongue and give yourself a moment to consider how you really feel. The things we say while we're letting loose often don't represent how we really feel and shouldn't be communicated — especially if they are potentially destructive.

MYTH #7: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX

• The belief that sex is not important is a dangerous and intimacy-eroding myth. Sex provides an important time-out from the pressures of our daily lives and allows us to experience a quality level of closeness, vulnerability and sharing with our partners.
• Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the "importance scale" if it's a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the "importance scale."
• Don't restrict your thinking by considering sex to be something that only consists of the actual physical act. Touching, caressing, holding hands and any means by which you provide physical comfort to your partner can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life.

MYTH #8: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP CANNOT SURVIVE A FLAWED PARTNER

• Nobody's perfect. As long as your partner's quirks are non-abusive and non-destructive, you can learn to live with them.
• Instead of focusing on your partner's shortcomings, remember the qualities that attracted you in the first place. Perhaps some of these idiosyncrasies were part of the attraction? Just because a behavior isn't mainstream, doesn't mean that it's toxic to the relationship.
• Be careful to distinguish the difference between a partner with quirks and one with a serious problem. Serious problems that are destructive and abusive include substance abuse and mental/physical abuse. Unlike idiosyncrasies, these are not behaviors you should learn to live with.

MYTH #9: THERE IS A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP GREAT

• Nothing could be further from the truth. There is no definitive "right way" to be a good spouse, good parent, or to handle any relationship challenge that life throws you.
• Do what works for you rather than following some standards you might have read in a book or heard from a well-meaning friend. If what you and your partner are doing is generating the results you want, stick with it. If both of you are comfortable with the principles that work, you can write your own rules.
• Remember not to be rigid about the way in which you accept your partner's expressions of love. There is no "right way" for someone to love you. The fact that your partner expresses feelings differently doesn't make those feelings less genuine or of less value.

MYTH #10: YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN BECOME GREAT ONLY WHEN YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR PARTNER OUT

• Don't fall into the trap of believing that if you could change your partner, your relationship would be better. You are, at the very least, jointly accountable for the relationship.
• Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.
• If your relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the payoffs you are subconsciously seeking with destructive behavior, you can choose to remove them from your life.